…you give it a human name. Female names work well for muscle cars, classics of any sort, and luxury cars.

For example, Eleanor from “Gone In 60 Seconds” or Alice, the bright red Datsun pictured below.

http://www.nicoclub.com/archives/1967-datsun-wrl411-4.html

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You give it an animal or pet name.

Pet names work well for small Japanese or European cars like VW Beetles, Miatas, MGs, and Fiats. For example, an MG Midget named Meatball. A popular trend is to name Beetles after Beatles, especially Ringo.

I named my old Saab Ducky because the large spoiler looks somewhat like a duck tail.

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You unnecessarily refer to it by its nickname, make, or model.

I have this annoying habit of telling stories by referring specifically to the car I was in at the time, regardless of how little it relates to the story.

For example, “I was driving around in my SL the other day and I saw a dog peeing on a baby” or “Hey, I’ll be back. I left my phone in my Cadillac.”

Its the same way cell phone braggarts say “I got a message on my iPhone” or “I was talking to so-and-so on my Evo”

Sure, it’s obnoxious. That’s the point.

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You drive for no reason.

One afternoon, I was in the mood for something sweet and my intention was to bring home a half gallon of ice cream, my usual choices of either Breyer’s vanilla or Edy’s slow-churned.

I live across the street from a grocery store. I know, it’s better to walk and I could benefit from the exercise, but the absence of a crosswalk means it’s safer and quicker to drive.

It was a hot day in July, 100 degrees and miserably humid. With the top open (the air conditioning in my Saab doesn’t work), the faster I drove the cooler I felt. Idling in traffic on a hot Missouri day is like sitting in a swamp, so I spun around the parkway to cool off. I kept driving and before I realized how far I’d gone I accumulated forty miles.

I finally got home, reached into the back seat for my grocery bag, and found my ice cream — a dripping, soggy sack of warm milk. Ice cream is never quite right once it’s melted and refrozen, so I threw it away.

And it was totally worth it.

Happy motoring.