Yearly Archives: 2011

Complaint: Unattractive cuts in sheet metal

The Chevy Sonic gets a lot of praise for being a decent looking car, at least in the Yaris/Aveo/Versa class of vehicles. Why? Because it looks like a Volvo S60 (that’s been squished into the wheelbase of a bicycle). I do, however, have one major gripe.

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The arrows are pointed at three visually annoying cut lines where the door, hood, a-pillar, and front fender attempt to meet. The designer’s original intent was for your eyes to start at the grille above the headlight and flow upward along the bulge on the hood, then up the a-pillar and over the door where it finishes in the rear.

Its impossible to look at the Sonic without noticing these awkward and misplaced gaps. Perhaps its a necessity of cost-efficient manufacturing. A Sonic in white or any color brighter than black will make this brutally apparent on the road. Manufacturing tolerances are likely to worsen the problem.

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The E93 BMW 3-series convertible, like most cars with folding metal tops, has the same problem.

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The appeal of German car design is the purposeful initiation and completion of every line, making the car look clean, purposeful, and strong.
The E93 is an unfortunate exception to German cleanliness, with a Sebring-like trunk lid that awkwardly eats into the rear quarter. The trunk lid line (bottom arrow) ends awkwardly in the middle of the C-pillar, visually disconnecting it from the rest of the car. Additional creases and lines on the roof facilitate the folding mechanism but meet imperfectly with the B-pillar and rear glass.

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For reference, here’s the 2007 Sebring convertible. The similarities are unfortunate.

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Infiniti did a much better job of integrating the roof. The trunk lid draws a line that directly connects with the rear quarter glass. The folding crease on the roof of above the B-pillar matches the line where the door glass meets the rear quarter. The C-pillar is perfectly matched to the height of the rear glass. Because the convertible’s rear quarter glass is larger, it looks lighter and airier than the coupe.

“Chrysler in a nutshell.”

Gary Hebding took this photo of the Chrysler section of the at the 2011 Chicago Auto Show.

Ford – Don’t call it a comeback!


Fast Tube by Casper

This video was not created or authorized by Ford Motor Company.

From Motofinity’s blog:

Watch TV lately? You can’t escape the latest marketing blitz by a resurgent Chrysler or General Motors. Spots follow the same general theme:

“The big three are back! Detroit’s shaking things up again!” So much is wrong with those two statements.

First, Ford never left, and we’ve whipped up a commercial to answer Eminem and “Chevy Runs Deep,” since it seems that Ford is practicing a lot of discretion on the matter.

Second, don’t forget that Ford never took part in accepting loans. General Motors and Chrysler did and it isn’t the first time.

Chrysler: Chrysler is no stranger to “shyster” loans. Lee Iacocca got money back in ’79 to help keep the automaker afloat. He claimed that $1.2 Billion never cost the tax payers any money. This of course, is pretty much a lie. Chrysler never did declare “bankruptcy” – they just renegotiated their debts and forced banks to take incredible losses. You know… Chapter 11, also known as the last stop before being bankrupt. Indirectly, those losses cost us all.

For our generosity, the nation got a decade of K-Car variants and a renaming of the tired D-Series pickups (debuted in ’72) to “Ram.” Flash forward to 2008 and the government bails them out again, so they can sell themselves to the Italians. It’s the bargain of the century, so far. The next time Chrysler can’t figure out how to make cars or do business, the Italian government can take care of them. We also get the Fiat 500 – a much better trade than the K car.

GM: Then there’s General Motors. They hide the truth about their loan payback, and it’s not the first time they’ve nearly gone bankrupt. At least they’ve kept making the Corvette.

Neither of these companies is making a comeback. You can’t make a comeback when you get bought by another company or go bankrupt to be absolved of your debts and re-emerge as a “new” company.

Ford doesn’t have to make a comeback – because it has been here for 108 years. Ford’s lineup is the sharpest it’s been in decades, and this is due to prescient leadership, from Alan Mulally down.

Don’t get us wrong, we’re excited about “Imported from Detroit” errr Auburn Hills, which is sort of like someone from LA saying they’re from Compton. But let’s see if in ten years, we’re back again with the “too big to fail” bailout requests. For now we’ll put our stock in Ford and hedge our bets with GM. Dan Akerson, current CEO of GM, is setting up a company full of Yes Men. That might be ok, but to our eyes it looks like impending disaster. Meanwhile, you can’t argue with the success of Ford’s CEO Alan Mulally.

Its clever, and Ford products are selling effortlessly, but the company still has a heap of debt.

Book Review: “Taken For A Ride – How Daimler-Benz Drove Off With Chrysler”

This book was heartbreaking.

Its been a decade since Chrysler and Daimler-Benz merged (and later demerged), and the consequences of those events are more relevant now than ever before. In a few short years, Chrysler went from being an example of what Detroit could do with a can-do attitude to a child chained to a bedpost and left to starve by Daimler.

1998, in my memory, was a completely different world. It wasn’t just a different time; it was a different society. Our values, beliefs, and ideals were filed with careless optimism and an unhealthy dose of arrogance, arrogance that resulted in mergers across every industry. We were blind to the dotcom bubble, 9/11, China’s explosive growth, and the housing bubble.

Wireless companies, internet providers, cable providers, telecom giants, big banks, and large computer firms had merged and acquired each other in a frenzy around the turn of the century.

Here’s a list of just a few from the last two decades:

Sprint – Nextel
SBC – Ameritech
Bell Atlantic – GTE
Bank of America – Nations Bank
AOL – Time Warner
CitiGroup – Travelers
First Union – Wachovia
Exxon – Mobil
Digital Equipment – Compaq
HP – Compaq
Sears – K-Mart
BP – Amoco
GM – Saab
GM – Daewoo
Ford – Jaguar
Ford – Volvo
BMW – Rover Group (Land Rover sold to Ford)

Why merge?

1. Mergers and acquisitions sometimes happen out of necessity. A firm on the verge of failure may seek a partner or buyer for protection, as Apple attempted with Sun and IBM back in 1997 when it was facing bankruptcy. Sometimes they’re born out of economic despair, giving large investors like Warren Buffet and Kirk Kerkorian the opportunity to use a recession to buy, fix, and flip firms for a profit. Even my apartment building was until recently owned by Warren Buffet’s Berkshire Hathaway.

2. Ideally, they’re used to combine businesses with similar goals that both have assets and talents to contribute.

3. Sometimes they happen when leaders run out of ideas, when they lack a vision for long-term growth. A merger is the easiest way to satisfy the growth demands of shareholders without having to be innovative or creative.

In Chrysler’s case, it was a little bit of #2 and #3.

In 1998, Chrysler was making billions upon billions thanks to cars and trucks like the Intrepid, Ram, Neon, Caravan, and Grand Cherokee. Chrysler’s US market share was hovering around 17%, a number that would make GM today quite jealous.

Daimler-Benz was a massive conglomerate with its arms in every aspect of European business. Kerkorian was even surprised to find out after the merger that he became part owner of Airbus:

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Daimler, set in its ways and successful at it, was faced with intense competition in the US market market from Lexus. The Japanese were able to build a higher-quality luxury car than Mercedes-Benz at a far lower cost, and since 1990 had eroded Mercedes-Benz’s market share. By 2000, Cadillac ceased to be the top-selling luxury car brand in America, replaced by Lexus. The exchange rate didn’t help, forcing Mercedes-Benz to build cheaper and less substantive cars that tarnished its reputation, like the 1996 W210 E-class.

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Taken For A Ride reads like a suspense novel with protagonists (Bob Lutz), antagonists (Jurgen Schrempp) and suckers (Bob Eaton). Events and meetings are elaborately described with detailed dialogue, written like fiction rather than the dry newspaper style common in books covering the industry. There’s enough dialogue and emotion to make a Hollywood film.

It opens in 1995 with Kerkorian’s attempt at taking ownership of Chrysler, followed by Eaton’s desperation in finding a partner to expand in Europe and Asia. The Germans at Daimler are depicted as well-prepared but cocky, stubbornly devoted to their bureaucratic way of doing business and disdainful of Chrysler’s open and collaborative processes, the processes that made Chrysler successful.

Bob Eaton was a Chrysler engineer who rose to the position of CEO, selected by Lee Iacocca despite being less capable as a leader than Bob Lutz. Lutz is credited with leading the product turnaround at GM over this past decade, and at Chrysler the decade before. Eaton remained quiet and reserved, micromanaging on occasion rather than leading, unsure of where to take the company.

Eaton himself once said, “out of 100 vehicles, we’re likely to build 10 that are as good as any Toyota has ever made, 80 that are OK, and 10 that cause repeated problems for our customers.”

In other words, he didn’t give a shit about Chrysler’s dissatisfied 10% or the need to be more competitive against Japanese competition. Lousy leaders seek mergers as quick-fixes for their lack of competence. This sets the stage for the rest of the book.

Lutz, who often spoke his mind and spurned his bosses, was cast aside in merger discussions and was told clearly that he had no role at DaimlerChrysler after the merger was complete. He was the only one at Chrysler who fluently spoke German or had any experience working for or managing a European business (previous stints at BMW and Ford of Europe). Bob Eaton was butt-hurt.

Daimler managers were surprised to learned that Lutz was let go. It was his product leadership and global experience that the Germans had signed up for, someone who could bring the two corporate cultures together and understood how to develop a transatlantic business.

Chrysler experienced an exodus of talent as top managers retired or took offers from GM and Ford. The book depicts Jurgen Schrempp as a bit of a creep:

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Schrempp openly cheated on his wife with his assistant, Lydia, and explained his eventual divorce by saying his work at Daimler was more important than his wife. Americans on the Chrysler side attending a merger celebration in Seville, Spain found it to be a bit off-putting.

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None of this was made up for the sake of storytelling. The content for Taken was derived from dozens of people interviewed in detail by Bill Vlasic and Bradley Stertz, who left the Detroit Free Press to work on the book.

There was a brief moment in time when Daimler-Benz wanted to take ownership of Nissan even before the dust was settled with Chrysler, but that, fortunately, never happened.

If you buy this book, I strongly suggest getting the Kindle version, even if you don’t have a Kindle device you can still read it on your PC. It comes with a supplemental section that goes forward an additional year, documenting the despair and sadness in Auburn Hills as German management moved in (literally, walking into the building, taking over vacated offices) and stacked empty boxes in the hallway for a massive round of layoffs.

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It also details the shareholders suit initiated by Kerkorian after Schrempp admitted to the merger being a ruse for an acquisition.

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The epilogue in the updated version is the icing on the cake of tragedy. Unfortunately, this story ends less like Cinderella and more like Franz Kafka’s Metamorphosis.

Recent history:

Jurgen Schrempp was fired in 2005.

Chrysler was sold to Cerberus in 2007.

Chrysler was sold again to Fiat and the US government in 2009.

Main “characters”:

Click below to buy this book:

References:
http://articles.sfgate.com/2010-08-15/business/22220341_1_big-deals-big-mergers-benchmark-index

http://theroxor.com/2010/01/04/the-evolution-of-company-logos-after-a-merger/

http://247wallst.com/2008/03/23/big-mergers-f-1/

Bob Seger: 2011 Tour Dates

Bob “Like A Rock” Seger has 2011 tour dates across the midwest and east. At $65 (not including Ticketraper fees), it might be worth driving across a couple states.

Tour dates so far include Grand Rapids, Cincinnati, Cleveland, and Buffalo — appropriately all working-class rust belt towns.

Seger’s career is greater than one ad campaign. Some solid examples:


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He’s 66 years old as if February 2011, so hopefully he’s “Still the Same.”

Seger earned more income from the “Like a Rock” campaign than he did on all of his album sales combined. It was originally a three year deal. Every year, GM came back and said “One more year” and his manager would double the amount requested. They never hesitated. “Like A Rock” ran for more than a decade and ranks among the most recognizable and successful automotive campaigns ever.

Seger no longer drives Chevrolets and revealed a few years ago that he was a Porsche fan. He’s owned a 911 and currently drives a Boxster.


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The agency behind “Like A Rock” was also behind “See The USA In A Chevrolet”, but they were fired last year.

See The USA In A Chevrolet – Using Patriotism to Sell Cars


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Campbell-Ewald, the ad agency behind “Like A Rock”, is credited with coming up with “See The USA In Your Chevrolet,” which Advertising Age ranks among the most successful campaigns of the last century.


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The 1952 campaign with Dinah Shore was nothing short of brilliant — catchy, bright, and perfectly in tune with America’s endless supply of optimism.

Chevrolet’s advertising has always leaned on its ties to American culture, unabashedly associating itself with hot dogs, baseball, and apple pie. While patriotism served as a point of pride in the 1950s and 1960s, it later functioned as a retreat from issues of lacking quality, fuel economy, and sophistication.


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The agency was also responsible for the “Heartbeat of America” campaign used in the 1980s and early 1990s, which resonated throughout working-class middle America. It seemed as if marketers were suggesting, “If you don’t buy from Chevrolet, you want America’s heart to stop beating.”

Here in the breadbasket, that’s how many of us felt.

Heartbeat had the unfortunate burden of having to sell some of Chevrolet’s worst-built vehicles, including the Beretta, Celebrity, Corsica, and Cavalier. Patriotism ran high, but quality ran low during the years of Smith and Stempel.


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Undeniably, the campaign worked as more than a few of us in ‘working-class’ America bought into it. I grew up in a lower-class neighborhood in a medium-sized Illinois town. I remember my dad having a chat with one of our neighbors over why we should buy American. We had a new 1988 Nissan Sentra and they had a new Chevy Beretta, a sleek looking coupe. The Nissan Sentra (which I hated driving) continued to serve our family until it finally died in my teenage hands at 170,000 miles. Within a couple years, the neighbor’s Beretta completely lost all of the paint on the hood and roof. It didn’t stay with their family for much longer after that.


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Japanese imports in the 1970s and early 1980s suffered from miserable corrosion, a brutal lack of refinement, and questionable build quality, but offered mechanical dependability and fuel efficiency, two primary consumer needs during periods of political and economic instability. As fuel and living costs spiked during the Carter era and national pride hit rock bottom, GM allowed an entire generation of customers to disappear, followed by entire regions, like California.

After a series of budget cuts, GM fired Campbell-Ewald in 2010.

Most of the cars I’ve owned have been American-made, and I have a fondness for GM products like Corvette, Camaro, the entire Cadillac division, and Chevy/GMC trucks, but Chevrolet’s mass market passenger cars, at least during the three decades that I’ve been alive, have rarely lived up to the promises made by slick marketing.

Today, GM wants to remind us that “Chevy Runs Deep”, reiterating Chevy’s connection to American culture. Indeed, Chevrolet runs deeper than ever thanks to federal bailouts, whether we like it or not.


Fast Tube by Casper

The Japanese Are “VIPing” American Cars

Keith Curry found this link.

Some Japanese car enthusiasts are into something called VIP, which usually involves taking a perfectly decent luxury car and ruining it with massive wheels, zero ground clearance, and gobs of negative camber.

I have to admit, this Seville isn’t terrible.

“I was pretty surprised seeing this picture because it isn’t from the US but it came from Japan. It looks like such a good platform and I’m sure the prices are dropping seeing as it was made until 2004. I think this car was shot for the Japanese VIP CAR magazine. So what do you think about the fact the Japanese tuners are broadening their horizons and looking for other platforms outside the JDM market?” -Jeroen Willemsen


Well, it looks dumb in the picture above. I guess it could be worse.

Some examples of VIP, mostly gone wrong:

Here’s an ad for the Seville from Japan:


Fast Tube by Casper

Ram Tradesman: Trucks are for Doing Work

In a clever move at capturing market share, Dodge (known now as its own brand, “Ram”), is offering a version of the 1500 pickup aimed at people who actually use their trucks for work. For a little over $23,000 including destination fees, the Tradesman comes with the rough-and-tumble basics of a work truck without having to settle for a V6.

The important bits:

  1. $22,720
  2. Standard 390hp Hemi V8
  3. 4×4 option
  4. 20mpg

By offering the 390hp Hemi in a budget-minded package, its a strong opportunity for Chrysler to steal market share away from Ford, GM, Nissan, and Toyota. Some say American trucks have become too civilized, too pampered as suburban cruisers rather than tools for skilled laborers and workers; I can’t disagree.

The basic version of the Nissan Titan also comes with a standard V8, Nissan’s durable 317hp VK56. However, pricing for the Titan King Cab S begins at $26,820.

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Above: Nissan Titan

I still haven’t warmed up to Ram being its own separate brand. Pictures of the Tradesman are after the press release.

The press release from Chrysler with the interesting bits in bold:——————————–

Ram Introduces New Tradesman Model

February 9, 2011 , Auburn Hills, Mich. – Ram Truck today announced a new trim package aimed at one of the pickup truck category’s largest traditional customer bases: the Ram Tradesman.

The Tradesman is a value-priced option package designed to meet the hard-working needs of small businessmen, construction jobsites and commercial fleets.

“The Ram Tradesman is named for — and aimed at — the heart of our business,” said Fred Diaz, President and CEO, Ram Truck Brand, Chrysler Group LLC. “This is a hard-working truck for hard-working people. Durability, reliability and value for the money are the top three considerations for our customers. Their truck is the most important tool they own and one they’ll use every day. The Ram Tradesman is a truck they can depend on.”

Ram Tradesman offers better performance for the price than other work trucks. For example, Ram Tradesman starts with the popular Ram 1500 ST trim package and adds useful features such as a standard HEMI engine with five-speed automatic transmission, which balances power with fuel efficiency. HEMI-equipped Ram 1500s are rated at 390 hp / 407 ft.-lb. torque and 20 mpg highway (4×2).

Also included in the Tradesman package is a standard Class IV trailer hitch with lighted, above-bumper four- and seven-pin trailer wire connectors. Tradesman also features heavy-duty engine cooling and a heavy-duty transmission oil cooler. Properly equipped Tradesman models provide best-in-class standard work truck capability, towing 10,450 lbs.

Ram 1500 Tradesman is equipped with durable, good-looking 17-inch full-face painted steel wheels exclusive to the Tradesman.

All Ram 1500 models, including the Tradesman, feature segment-exclusive multi-link rear coil suspension that provides best-in-class ride and handling qualities. A coil-spring setup centralizes and absorbs bumps and impacts, while reducing the amount of friction in the spring system. This setup also weighs 40 pounds less than a leaf-spring configuration.

Ram Tradesman is available in either regular cab short-bed (6 ft., 4 in.) and long-bed (8 ft.) models, with a choice of 4×2 or 4×4 powertrains.

Buyers can choose vinyl or cloth 40/20/40 split bench seats in dark slate and medium graystone, and either carpeted or vinyl flooring.

Other standard equipment includes 160-amp alternator, 17-inch steel spare wheel and full-size spare tire, 26-gallon (6-ft, 4-in. bed) or 32-gallon (8-ft. bed) fuel tank, 3.55 rear axle ratio, 700-amp maintenance-free battery, bright chrome grille, cargo bed lamp, front and rear heavy-duty shock absorbers, front and rear stabilizer bars, halogen headlamps, locking tailgate, rear wheel well liners, rack and pinion steering, rear dome lamp and sentry key theft-deterrent system.

Standard interior features include air conditioning, a 12-volt auxiliary power outlet, media center with CD and MP3 player, six speakers, audio jack for mobile devices, automatic headlamps, behind the seat storage, driver and passenger assist handles, instrument panel with tachometer, tilt steering wheel , tinted glass, variable intermittent windshield wipers.

Standard safety features include advanced multistage front air bags, supplemental side airbags and front curtain, electronic stability control, anti-lock four-wheel disc brakes, front height-adjust shoulder belts and tire-pressure monitoring.

Ram Tradesman is available in bright silver metallic, bright white, brilliant black crystal pearl, deep cherry red crystal pearl, deep water blue pearl, flame red, hunter green pearl, mineral gray metallic, rugged brown pearl or white gold metallic paint.

A long list of options is available for the Tradesman including 3.21 and 3.92 rear axle ratios, anti-spin differential, chrome exhaust tip, bright chrome front and rear bumpers, heated mirrors, power door locks, power windows, remote keyless entry, engine block heater, folding trailer-tow mirrors with courtesy lamps and supplemental signals, rubber floor mats, Mopar chrome side steps and bed rails, a rear sliding window, spray-in bedliner, Sirius satellite radio, Uconnect voice command with Bluetooth, remote USB port, auto-dimming rear-view mirror, tow hooks, cruise control, tire pressure monitor, vehicle information center and trailer brake controller.

Ram Tradesman is also available with rugged Goodyear Wrangler all-terrain tires to resist punctures and improve off-road traction.

Ram Trucks come with an unsurpassed 5-year, 100,000-mile powertrain warranty. Truck customers – from half-ton to commercial – have a demanding range of needs and require their vehicles to provide high levels of capability. With their proven powertrains, proven chassis, low-cost of ownership, Ram Trucks are engineered for maximum productivity and “uptime.” Ram 1500, 2500, 3500 pickups and chassis cabs are designed to deliver a total package for commercial customers.

Ram Tradesman pricing starts at $22,780, including $975 destination charge. Tradesman will go on sale in the second quarter 2011.

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Its a bargain brand new, but for those of us who buy used, this could be the truck deal of the century.

What does -26F feel like?

In a word: Shitty.

I empathize with those of you in Oklahoma this week where temperatures are colder than the north pole. I can’t imagine -28F being a usual thing for Okies. After I experienced -26F in South Dakota two years ago, I have nothing but empathy for you.

In December 2008 I drove with my brother from St Louis, Missouri to Spokane, Washington. Winter is a terrible time to go north, obviously, as temps drop to below-brutal and snowfall creates real and serious dangers for travelers. But, we didn’t have much of a choice. This was the only time we had off from school, so off we went.

I know you folks in Minnesota, Manitoba, and the interior parts of Alaska have probably seen temperatures far lower. But for me, someone born near the equator, this exceeds conditions where humans should be living. I can’t say I’m a fan of heat or humidity either. Maybe I’m just a wuss.

In 2008, Spokane had its fifth worst winter snowfall on record, and when I left Spokane and headed home I was greeted with the deadly, brutal gaze of what felt like Siberia.

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Almost couldn’t see my car when I peeped out the window.

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South Grand is supposed to have four lanes.

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Parked at my friends house. He carved out a front yard parking space. You can see how high the snow is.

On the way home, we stopped in Rapid City, South Dakota to meet up with one of my brother’s friends from school.

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I guess she was used to it. Rapid City is normally subjected to cold, harsh winters.

Total blindness from snow drifts and wind gusts make night time travel on I-90 especially dangerous. Take the worst fog you’ve ever seen, and double it.

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According to the 1992 Seville, -22F was the outdoor temperature. Never in my life have I seen a temperature readout so low.

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This is what happened when temps dropped to -26F somewhere east of Chamberlain SD.

The heat was doing its job admirably (new heater core was installed less than a year ago), but there was only so much it could do. Frost began to form inside the windshield and on the side windows. Brakes started to feel a bit crunchy, as if the brake lines were filled with chunks of ice. The engine maintained 201F according to the digital readout, but I could tell the car wanted it to be over. Remarkably, the road surface still had reasonable traction.

There was hardly anyone on the road. It was approaching midnight and most big rigs and travelers were in their cabs or in motel rooms, struggling to stay warm.

I pulled into a gas station to fill up. The display on the pump was barely readable because the liquid crystals had nearly frozen. Gas flowed at an agonizingly slow pace. The pumping mechanism whined and groaned like a teenager being asked to wake up on Sunday morning. It was if I was filling my tank with a thick gelatinous substance.

I stood there shaking like a wet dog, waiting eagerly for the tank to fill up. I could feel the boogers and hairs in my nose freeze as wind gusted through. My eyes burned and my fingertips ached. All this in only a couple minutes!

Gasoline itself doesn’t freeze until -40F, so I still had a buffer of 14 degrees before the contents of my fuel tank turned into a solid brick. Various hydrocarbons in gasoline freeze at different temperatures, and its ability to flow will be reduced as it approaches freezing.

The Seville was running on standard 10W-30 motor oil, not a blend or full synthetic. The pour point for standard 10W30 is -20F, so I was already beyond a safe threshold at -26. If I was to stop overnight and sleep, I’d run a risk of not being able to start my car in the morning, so I had no choice but to keep going.

At a lower enough temperature, the waxes and paraffins in motor oil turn into a honey-like gel and the oil ceases to be a useful lubricant. Mobil 1 synthetic has a pour point of of below -40F.

Watch the video to see the dramatic difference:


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Skip to 1:50

Imagine your motor, in the dead of winter, after being parked outside and letting most of the oil flow back into the pan, trying to start in conditions like this. Imagine the friction and damage from a lack of lubrication.

Alaskans and other cold-weather dwellers know to pack their cars with emergency blankets, spare parts, and tool kits. A frequent way natives in Alaska die is from getting drunk and wandering around outside, passing out and dying in the cold. Here’s a how-to guide on traveling through Alaska.

I’ll reiterate what I said at the beginning: -26F feels shitty.

Road Trip Rules and Etiquette

This was posted a few years ago on NICO. I thought it was worth reposting with a few updates.

I’ve covered over 50,000 miles crossing the country in all directions. Its time to lay down some rules and guidelines for drivers and passengers.

Drivers:

1) Know the mechanical condition of your car! There’s no excuse for a breakdown. In case something does go wrong, bring a decent set of tools, a flashlight, a service manual, and water. If you’re mechanically ignorant, have the vehicle inspected before leaving. Bring a full-size spare if you can. Going 50mph on a donut looking for the next service station can be long and tedious if there are no services for 100 miles.

2) Stop at every hole in the wall location advertised on a billboard. The weirder, the better.

3) During the day, try to eat local food or at regional chains. Save McD’s for late nights when nothing is open… unless you’re traveling on couch change.

4) Always overestimate fuel expenses! Your calculator may give you a cost of $200 at 26mpg. However, when you’re in the middle of Montana doing 120mph, that 26 will quickly drop to 12. Of course, I’ve never driven that fast, ever. Nope. Never.

5) You will not arrive as early as you expect to. You just won’t. ‘Budget’ yourself an extra day or two, especially if your road trip is taking you to an event with a specific date.

6) Subscribe to satellite radio. 3G coverage is generous on populated interstates, allowing you to stream audio from your phone. However, once you enter a sparsely populated area, you’ll be back to 1x coverage.

7) Bring a digital camera. Take pictures of every obscure, stupid thing in sight.

8] Stay with friends if possible. Save your money for souvenirs, tourist traps, and little knick knacks. Use Priceline and Travelocity to save on hotels.

9) Don’t be afraid of cheap motels. Just because it costs $28 doesn’t mean its any worse than a Howard Johnson (sometimes better) — I stayed at a $120 La Quinta that had pubes in the tub and trash under the bed and sink.

With ANY motel or hotel, no matter how nice, do the following the moment you walk into your room: Pull the sheets off to check for bugs, take a whiff of the air in the room, and make sure the water pressure in the shower is decent.

10) Bring your own shampoo. Motel shampoo sucks, or sometimes it isn’t provided.

11) Higher-end hotels charge for wifi, and the most remote ones have no internet service at all. Have your phone configured ahead of time for tethering.

12) If an exit sign says “Scenic Route” or “Historic”, take it.

13) Be comfortable. The people you see on road trips are people you will never see again, so don’t dress to impress. In the summer, unless you plan on partaking in special occasions, just wear some cheap athletic shorts and a big, comfortable t-shirt. So what if you look like a tourist?

14) If you want, leave your cell phone off. Disconnect yourself from the outside world and use it only for returning voicemails or making outgoing calls (911, 411, hotels, directions, etc).

15) Be friendly to the locals and they’ll be friendly to you. When you’re the outsider in a small town, you aren’t better than anyone, no matter how much you paid for your S-class. Ask them questions. Learn about them.

Passengers:


1) You do not have any right to touch the radio or suggest changes to the music. Bring ear plugs if you hate the way the driver sings.

2) Pee at every stop, even if you don’t think you need to. Do not tell the driver you need to pee at 3AM in the middle of South Dakota in the dead of winter.

3) When sightseeing on foot, the driver is still in charge. Obey the driver or buy a bus ticket.

4) Do not critique the driver’s ability to operate a vehicle. There will be no whining about speed.

5) Do not ask the driver to decide who gets the front seat. Figure it out for yourselves.

6) Do not use your cellphone for idle chit chat in the car. The driver would rather listen to music.

7) Do not use alone time in the car as an excuse to divulge your deepest, darkest secrets. In the confines of an automobile, you may start to feel safe with the driver and other passengers, but usually, no one wants to hear about how you were diddled by your uncle or your “gender experimentation” during a weekend in San Francisco. No offense, but once the road trip ends, the closeness will wear off and things will return to normal; everyone will know you’re a weirdo, and you may regret sharing your most intimate secrets. A road trip is an opportunity to get to know someone better, but have respect for personal boundaries — your audience is literally captive, after all.

Most importantly, explore. Road trips are called adventures for a reason.

Happy motoring.

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