I’m on Craigslist looking for a cheap pickup truck. Using my Cadillac Seville and Saab 900 for warehouse duties has placed unfortunate stress on their aging suspensions, especially the complex electronically-controlled ride in the Seville STS.

Sellers want us to believe their Ford LTD with suspicious bleach odors is a Pebble Beach Concours candidate, and bargain hunters want sellers to believe that the car they’re making an offer on is a heap (why make an offer if it’s so terrible?).

Such is the transactional nature of Craigslist. It’s nothing personal. You won’t see or hear from these characters ever again.

Creative sellers tend to embellish their rolling biohazards with colorful language. Here’s a few examples:

1991 Ford Ranger: “Drives great! Good engine, shifts good, runs down the road strong. All gears work except forward.”
All gears except forward? So that leaves what, reverse, park, and neutral? By “shifts good” are they referring to the mechanical movement of the shift lever from Park to Reverse?

A common dealer’s description in “Wheel Deals,” published in Spokane WA: “GOOD ROAD CAR”
What would be a bad road car? A canoe?

Late-model Mitsubishi Eclipse: “I don’t have the title don’t ask. CASH ONLY.”
SOUNDS LEGIT! Oh, and you’re in North St Louis? Perfect!

1998 Dodge Stratus with a damaged rear quarter and two damaged doors: “Has a dent”

Should buff right out.

1995 Chevy G20 van:

Nothing odd about the ad itself. I appreciate that it’s been pre-camouflaged for undercover surveillance purposes.

1993 Chevy Silverado, 350 V8: “Gets 30 mpg”
Downhill? Off a cliff?

1997 Ford Taurus Wagon: “Rare”
Rare for a reason. They’re uglier than gingivitis.

Sellers who can’t spell the makes and models of their cars, even though the proper spelling is right there on the trunk lid:
— It’s Camry, not “Canary”
— It’s Infiniti not “Infinity”
— It’s Cutlass not “Cutlist”
— It’s BMW not “MBW,” unless there was a Daimler-Benz/BMW merger I didn’t hear about.
— It’s Maxima not “Maximum,” though I have to admit, driving a Maximum sounds pretty awesome.
The only thing spelled consistently correctly on Craigslist is “iPad,” which hookers will accept as payment.

Other oddities:
— “Good for demolition derby or family commuter.” — How about both!
— Riced out, beat to shit Eclipses and Civics with ads that say “adult owned” or “highway miles.”
— “Runs great, last started 15 years ago” — A declaration of the present based on the Clinton era? No thanks.

Have fun out there.